Lessons In Canuck-Speak

I must say, the more I read about other places in the world, the more partial I am to my funny, idiosyncratic country -- from poutine and beaver tails (don't ask...) to Stompin' Tom Connors. I grew up listening to CBC radio and watching CBC television, and thinking, "What a boring country I live in; nothing ever happens here." But I have come to the conclusion that I rather like it that way. When I was a teenager, all I wanted to do was to head for the bright lights of New York City. How exciting it would have been to live in the absolute centre of the world. I have since come to realize, however, that Canada is the centre of the world. Oh, yes it is. We are situated squarely between the old-world, traditional British sense and sensibilities, and the new-world, colorful and brazen jazzy American culture and way of life. Canadians have managed to extract the best of both worlds, and we have added a dash of our own to the mix.

In a few months the world will be coming to Vancouver for the 2010 Olympics, so I thought I would give everyone a crash course in speaking and understanding Canuck, otherwise known as Canajun. A couple of months ago I gave you a few examples of Canajun, and here are a few more important terms you will need to know.

Mazkidda: The national insect of Canada. A kind of gnat whose bite causes a prolonged itching sensation. Mzakidda-swatting contests are staged every spring at cottage-opening time.

Horble: Extremely unpleasant, as weather, a noise, mazkiddas, etc.

Gradge: A building for storing or repairing automobiles.

Forner: A non-Canadian. The adjective is Forn.

Chewsdy: The day after Mundy (the day after Sundy).

Tamara: The day after today.

Yesday: The day preceding today.

Inta Resting: Arousing curiosity or attention.

Egg Sellent: Very good, of considerable merit.

Egg Spurt: Someone with special skill or knowledge.

Boddum: The lowest part; the backside. Used as a toast: "Boddum Zup!"

Kenya: Are you able to? As in: "Kenya stop whatcher doon en gimmier hand?" The negative form is Kentcha.

Furn Chur: Movable articles in a room, such as tables, chairs, etc.

Swedder: A knitted woolen garment covering the upper part of the body.

Yaskt: To make all necessary enquiries, to request information, as in: "I'm awfully glad yaskt."

And here is Stompin' Tom Connors with the real national anthem of Canada.

Common Things Being Common...

There have been several theories over the years as to how and why President John F. Kennedy was assassinated, and by whom. His political enemies did it ... the Mob did it ... his political enemies and the Mob together did it ... it was a lone gunman ... the lone gunman had an accomplice. The Warren Commission finally put together an 888-page report concluding that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in assassinating President Kennedy. This report has been challenged over the years, but never successfully, and the conclusion of the report still stands.

When a famous, larger-than-life American President is assassinated on American soil, people presume -- and in fact, expect -- that there is a larger plan behind it. Conspiracy theories abound. A great man must have been cut down by a great scheme. No one commonplace or ordinary could have plotted such a thing. In Oliver Stone's film "JFK", Stone alleged a cover-up, and if he were to believed, half of the population of the United States was in on JFK's assassination.

A physician I once knew said that one of the first rules in diagnosing a patient is to use the maxim, "Common things being common..." In other words, sometimes the solution to a problem is the most simple and obvious. In the case of the assassination of JFK, it would seem that yet another theory was discovered, one that indeed has been covered up, simply because it was -- common. An interesting article in this month's Vanity Fair makes public that theory, and using the principle of "common things being common" it is the theory that I think is the most believable one so far.

In 1964, Jacqueline Kennedy commissioned author William Manchester to write the official account of Kennedy's assassination. After years of Manchester's investigations and his final manuscript of the book, Jacqueline Kennedy tried to stop it from being published. The book was entitled "The Death of a President", and after initially being published, the book has all but disappeared. The tapes of Manchester's interviews with Jacqueline Kennedy, and others, are kept in a sealed vault in the JFK library, not to be opened until 2067. Here is an excerpt from the magazine article:

"Like many young couples, Oswald and Marina were obsessed with the Kennedys. Priscilla Johnson McMillan, in her fascinating 1977 account of the Oslands, Marina and Lee, reports that Marina's schoolgirl crush on the chestnut-haired president -- her mooning over magazine photographs of Kennedy strolling on the beach in his khaki pants, her insisting that Oswald translate for her any articles about the Kennedys -- was becoming a sore point in their already troubled marriage. "He is very attractive," Marina Oswald told her husband. "I can't say what he is as president, but I mean, as a man." She would flip through the pages of every magazine she could lay her hands on asking "Where's Kennedy? Where's Kennedy?" "

William Manchester concluded that JFK's assassination was the result of a lone gunman, a nondescript man by the name of Lee Harvey Oswald, and he had no grand motives. As Manchester wrote:

"In the end I concluded that the Warren Commission Report was correct on the two main issues. Oswald was the killer, and he had acted alone. ... Those who desperately want to believe that president Kennedy was the victim of a conspiracy have my sympathy. I share their yearning -- if you put the murdered President of the United States on one side of a scale and that wretched waif Oswald on the other side, it doesn't balance. You want to add something weightier to Oswald. It would invest the President's death with meaning, endowing him with martyrdom. He would have died for something."

Jacqueline Kennedy agreed with Manchester's assessment, and therefore tried to stop the book from being published. After all the investigations and reports, and all the conspiracy theories and movies, wouldn't it be ironic if indeed the motive for President Kennedy's assassination were not for a great cause, but for something as common and banal as simple jealousy.

Common things being common...

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

Well, here I am on another rant. "Goodness gracious", you're saying, "Doesn't the woman ever give up?" Well, no, not when I'm p*ssed off a little bit angry, as I am now. What does Canada have to do with the U.S. Health Care Reform, and why do so many Americans seem to dislike us so much? A few days ago an individual posted an article by Dick Morris who rebutted Obama's Health care speech. In his rebuttal, Morris said:

"For example, in Canada, the drug Avastin is barred by just such a panel despite its proven track record as the most effective anti-colon cancer drug on the market. The ban is not because of any safety concerns, but solely due to its $50,000 annual cost. As a direct result, 41% of Canadians with colon cancer die as opposed to 32% of Americans. It is just these kinds of “best practices” that the panel will have to impose to pay for Obama’s plan."

Well, the only problem with that is, Avastin was approved for use in Canada several years ago. Take that, Dick Morris.

In an earlier post, the individual at the above-named blog claimed that people with leukemias and lymphomas were basically out of luck in Canada, as we had no treatment program for these folks. The Leukemia/Bone Marrow Transplant Program in British Columbia is one of the best in the world, and the other day at work we received the following bulletin:

BC Cancer Agency researcher receives award from the American Society of Hematology. Dr. Connie Eaves, vice president, research at the BC Cancer Agency, has been awarded the Henry M. Stratton Medal by the American Society of Hematology (ASH), the world's largest professional society concerned with the causes and treatment of blood disorders. The award honours an individual whose well-recognized contributions to hematology have taken place over a period of several years. Dr. Eaves will receive this award for her remarkable achievements in the area of stem cell biology, especially her ground-breaking techniques of using the long-term culture system as means of understanding the reproductive and renewal properties of normal and malignant human hematopoietic stem cells. These stem cells give rise to all the blood cell types.

I cannot tolerate ignorance, which is defined as "the state in which one lacks knowledge, is unaware of something or chooses to subjectively ignore information." Ignorance is like a virus, once it starts to spread it produces more ignorance. In the 21st Century, when information is readily available, there is no need to perpetuate ignorance. It is only when one chooses to ignore the truth that one creates more ignorance. And note the word "ignore" is the root of the word ignorance.

Incidentally, there is a headline on CNN today, from a study done by Harvard Medical School, that 45,000 Americans a year die from treatable diseases such as appendicitis, because they don't have health insurance. That does not happen in Canada, so what am I missing here? Does that go back to the old Cold War principle of, "Better dead than Red?"

One of my favorite lines is from the movie "Bambi", when Bambi is first learning to walk.

Thumper: "He doesn't walk very good, does he?"
Mrs. Rabbit: "Thumper!"
Thumper: "Yes, Mama?"
Mrs. Rabbit: "What did your father tell you this morning?"
Thumper: "If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all."

I wish some folks would keep that in mind.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe...

One of my favorite things to do as soon as I get home from work is to have a hot, soapy shower and wash off the day. I have all sorts of wonderful Crabtree and Evelyn soap, and it's so refreshing. What could be nicer, right? And what else could make us feel so clean and invigorated than a hot shower, right? Well, it turns out that, according to a recent study done, showerheads are breeding grounds for bacteria that clump together and turn into a spray that soaks and may infect unsuspecting bathers.

Researchers from the University of Colorado, Boulder tested water before and after it passed through showerheads in nine cities, including New York, and found that levels of bacteria increased 100-fold on the way out. The findings were published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

The most plentiful microbe found, mycobacterium avium, can cause symptoms similar to tuberculosis, including respiratory problems, fever and fatigue. While the levels are unlikely to harm healthy people, they could pose risks to people with AIDS or weakened immune systems, said Laura Baumgartner, a research fellow.

"It's no more dangerous for the average person than getting out of bed in the morning," Baumgartner said. "But if you're immune-suppressed, with diseases like cystic fibrosis or AIDS, it could be worrisome."

People may minimize the risk, Baumgartner said. One way is to not stand under the shower for the first 30 seconds, while the bacteria are sprayed out. Another is to use all-metal showerheads because plastic seemed to breed more of the bacteria. ... Newsday.com

Omigoodness, what next?

I once read that Janet Leigh said she was not able to take showers again, after filming the shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho", the scene frightened her so much. Who would ever have guessed there was more menace coming from the hot, refreshing water than any danger from Norman Bates. I have never been able to watch that scene completely through; I always have to leave the room. And on occasion when I have been in the shower, I have glanced at the shower curtain, and thought ... "What if" ... Well, it turns out that the real danger is the stuff coming out of the shower head, and clinging to the shower curtain, and the tiles, and the bathtub and the bath mat...

Please excuse me while I go and find my bleach.

Happy Birthday, Mrs. McGillicuddy

My daughter doesn't like me doing posts about her or her family, understandably, and she doesn't like me posting pictures. That's fair enough -- this is the Internet. So, without saying too much, and without an identifiable picture (I hope...), today is her birthday so I just wanted to wish her a Happy Birthday.

Mrs. McGillicuddy is, without a doubt, the smartest person I have ever met. On the last day of school in grade two, she came home from school with a little crest with an "M" on it. She wasn't sure what it was for, so I called the principal of the school, and he said, "She deserves a White Spot hamburger and a milk shake today, because she won the award for being the smartest kid in grade two. The "M" stands for merit." It was then that I had a clue that she was quite smart. I called her grandparents to let them know, but of course they weren't surprised at all. She went on all through school to be the in top of her class, and won several scholarships in University. Life was not always easy for her, without a father, but she was very determined.

Mrs. McGillicuddy is also very funny, and a wonderful mimic, and she can do a perfect imitation of a wood bug. Interestingly, her children have both inherited her keen intelligence and sense of humor. You should see Phinnaeus imitate a cheesy 1980s aerobics instructor. It's spot on, and too funny for words. The apple doesn't fall very far from the tree.

So hopefully there is no identifiable information here, and Mrs. McGillicuddy won't shoot me be too cross with me for wishing her Happy Birthday.

An Old Farmer's Advice

● Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
● Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
● Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
● A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
● Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
● Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
● Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
● Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
● It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
● You cannot unsay a cruel word.
● Every path has a few puddles.
● When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
● The best sermons are lived, not preached.
● Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
● Don't judge folks by their relatives.
● Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
● Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
● Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
● Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
● If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
● Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
● The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
● Always drink upstream from the herd.
● Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
● Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
● If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
● Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

My personal favorite is from my good friend Russell over there in Iowa farm country, "You can't unring a bell".

Want A Giggle?

I actually read the following excerpt on a blog today. It was written by an American medical doctor named Jory F. Goodman, M.D. He practices in Beverly Hills and specializes in psychiatry, neuropsychiatry and psychopharmacology. Well, it sounds like he's practicing in the right place, anyway.

Canada, France, Italy, the UK, you name it, any place where there is a national health system, government run, tells the pharmaceutical companies how much they will pay for which medications (and keep in mind that in many places the latest and best treatments are simply not available unless you have private insurance or a great deal of money). So, for example, Canada buys so many doses of an antidepressant or an anticancer drug way below market value. If they run out after eight months it’s tough luck for the patients there. Of course you have never heard of this from the mainstream media, the politicians or the left-wing activists who want socialized medicine.

This man has a licence to practice medicine? Do any of you folks who live in the United States actually believe this stuff? I have never heard such nonsense, and I have never heard of a patient not being given medications because the pharmacy "ran out".

Americans seem to have such a strange view of Canadians, it makes me wonder... Well, anyway, this little video will tell you more about Canadians than you ever wanted to know. Ya gotta laugh.



My name is Jo, and I am Canadian.

Separated At Birth

I work with a young woman who I think bears a strong resemblance to Kate Bekinsale. I asked her if I could do a post about her as long as I didn't divulge her name, and she said, "Sure". So, with her permission, I will tell you a little bit about my friend Amy* (*not her real name).You know how there are some people you meet that just have something unique, sort of a "cut above" all the rest, as it were? I guess in some circles it might be called "star quality", or as the French say, "je ne sais quoi" which literally means, "I don't know what..." Amy has that. She's extremely bright, and I keep encouraging her to go back to school and get her university degree. I believe it's very important for everyone, especially those folks who have potential. I encouraged my daughter when she was growing up, and now she has her Master's Degree. I think Amy has the same potential. So, if you're reading this, Amy, here I go again, nag, nag, nag.

Amy and I provide comic relief for each other in an otherwise very stressful environment. She and I both observe the same ridiculous things going on around us, and are able to have a good laugh occasionally. As in any work environment, there is the usual cast of characters, and true to form, most of them provide a certain degree of entertainment.

"Did you see her shoes...!?"

"Yes, how does she walk in them?"

A few years ago, Amy applied to be a contestant on "Deal or No Deal" with Howie Mandel (who, by the way, is Canadian), but the silly producers didn't choose her. What were they thinking? But if Amy had been chosen, she wanted me to be one of her backup cheerleaders. Oh, goodness, wouldn't that have been a hoot. "Take the deal, Amy...! Take the deal...!" It would have been too much fun.

Well, anyway, I think Amy is a young woman with a future, but the key is education, education, education. Study hard, get that degree -- it's the key to almost everything in life.

Convince Me...

My little treehouse is very small, so I have to use furniture that is "light" in order to give the illusion of more space. I have a glass dining room table, and several pieces of wicker, to let the light through and to give a visual effect of airiness. I have some other pieces of furniture, as well, that are so ancient old that they have officially become antiques, but they are well-made, good pieces, including a couple of pieces from New England and Quebec. There are no staples or particle boards in any of them. But I must admit, it has been a very long time since I have bought anything new.

I need a new casual chair for a space in front of my sliding glass doors that open onto the terrace. I have been considering a wicker chair so it has the same feeling of airiness, and doesn't block the view of the trees. I finally found this one - on sale - at Pier One Imports. I saw it online, and I found it at one of our local stores yesterday. It's perfect, and I have the equally perfect cushions to put on it. But now I am trying to convince myself to go back and actually buy it. Should I? Should I? I just need to be persuaded. So, folks, convince me. Then, if I feel guilty, I can blame you. "They made me do it..."

Well, thank you everyone for convincing me. I actually found a chair that I like even better than the first one -- even though it was slightly more expensive -- because it has a lovely inclining back. (You can click on the picture for a better view). It is now safely in my home, basking in the sunshine, and I am very soon to curl up in it with a good book. For some strange reason, it is the endless summer here in the Great White North Lotusland, and it's almost 90 degrees Fahrenheit today. But who's complaining!? You won't hear me complaining. No, siree. Have a great weekend, everyone.

The Secret Revealed

Can someone please tell me why these people are famous? I don't understand it, and I really would like someone to explain it to me. Why are they famous? Is it because of their astonishing beauty and grace? Did they discover a cure for cancer? Have they written a Pulitzer prize-winning novel? Have they drafted a Peace Accord that will establish world peace?

Oh, I know...! I know...! They discovered how Cadbury's gets the caramel into its Caramilk bar. That's it, right? Oh, wait, that's only in Canada. They've probably never had a Caramilk bar. Okay, I give up. Why are these two bland, cranky, boring completely nondescript, average people so famous? And rich. Famous and rich.

I need a Caramilk bar, and I need it now.