The Guardian Angel
Pietro Da Cortona
Do any of you folks believe in guardian angels? I could certainly use one right about now. I can't remember when I have ever felt so despondent. For the past several years, I have been supportive of my family through many family problems. I have assisted with what little financial support I can provide, I have assisted with resources, psychological support, time, effort, care, concern, and so much more. I have always been the person that folks can call at 3:00 in the morning, and I will be available to help with whatever help is needed. I sometimes feel like an eight-legged octopus trying to hang onto all the unravelling ends of everyone's lives. And this Christmas season has been no different. There has been stress, financial concern, psychological concern; I have been trying to keep everyone stress-free. I just want everyone to be happy. But, the realization came to me that it's all for nothing. I can't make other people happy, and I can't solve their problems for them. It is burning me out, and it's affecting my health and my job.
People often become so self-absorbed that they can't see beyond their own problems. On my birthday a few days ago, only one family member phoned me to wish me a happy birthday. All I want is for my family to actually care about me ~~ Johanna ~~ the person. It is a very lonely feeling, and today I feel unbelievably sad. Yet another family crisis has blown up, and yet again I was unable to hold the unravelling threads together. And yet again I have become the unwilling brunt of the situation. I am beginning to see a pattern of one individual using me as a tool to hurt another individual. He uses me to push buttons and to cause trouble, which seems to be a trait of other individuals in his side of the family. And there has been a pattern of it consistently since he came into our family. And he's very clever at it.
Today I am feeling rather sad, heartsick, and very, very tired. I am sorry to be such a downer, but I just needed to vent. It's very difficult to go through life feeling as if one's family doesn't care, but that is how I feel. I am not a valued member of my family. I need to distance myself, because it's better to be alone than to be constantly embroiled in someone else's turmoil, year after year, after year. If they don't like me, well ... they don't like me, and I can't change that. I always feel I am never *good enough* and I think, "If I can just be a better person, if I just be nicer, if I just do nicer things, if I help them more, maybe then they will like me..." But it doesn't work that way. I get that now. I get it. I'm a nice person, I don't need to be a better person, or nicer, or more helpful. I'm just fine the way I am, and if they don't like me, well, that's okay. I can't change it.
Okay, I finally get it.
But, I could sure use a guardian angel right about now. Or a hug.