Canajun, Eh?

I have been reading so much misinformation about Canada lately, I thought I would share with you some of our best kept secrets. We are known for being very polite, and when we travel, we always wear a Canadian flag pin so people know we are Canadian. We have two official languages, and unless we are forced in school to learn the language from "the other side" we really only speak one language, depending upon where we live. We now have French immersion schools in British Columbia -- which I think is wonderful -- because we should be able to converse with people in our nation's capital. The things we treasure most are Tim Horton's Doughnuts, Hawkins Cheezies and Canadian Tire Stores. So here, in no particular order, are some of the ways to know you are Canadian.

●You have more Canadian Tire money than legal tender in your wallet
●You understand the sentence "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my bowl of poutine on the chesterfield."
●You know what it means to be "on the pogey".
●You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh?!"
●You can legally drink alcohol while still a teenager.
●When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it, instead of telling them to stay out of it.
●You're not sure if the leader of your nation has ever had sex and you don't want to know if he has.
●You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
●You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
●You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
●You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."
●You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.
●Like any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you possess a Canadian Passport.
●You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, color, neighbor, etc.
●You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize", and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
●You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
●You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo".
●You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
●You were mad at the CBC when "The Beachcombers" was taken off the air.
●You know what a tuque is and you often wear one.
●You have heard of ... and have some cherished memento of Bob and Doug McKenzie.
●You know Toronto is not a province.
●You never miss "Coach's Corner" during Hockey Night in Canada.
●You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
●You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
●A Canadian Tire Store on any Saturday is busier than most toy stores at Christmas.
●You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
●You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
●You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.
●You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
●You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".
●You pronounce the last letter of the alphabet "zed" instead of "zee."
●You end some sentences with "eh," ... eh?

We even have our own language:

Arsey Em Pee
A para-military police body combining the most distinctive features of the army [red coats], the secret service [Red hunting], and politics [red herrings]. Also known as 'The Moundies'.

Hugh Ess
The Mare Can nation. So convenient has the Hugh Ess been to the development of the Canajun ethos that if the Hugh Ess did not exist it would be necessary to invent it. By the same token, if the Hugh Ess did not exist neither would Canada, much as in physics anti-matter requires matter to sustain it. Perhaps the only generally accepted definition of Canajun is *Not Mare Can*.

Briddish
Of or pertaining to Grade Bridden. Sometimes contracted to Brish, as in: Brish Commwealth. I live in Brish Columya.

Climb It
Canada has three kinds of weather - hot, cold, and wet. Hence the only permitted conversational gambits relating to climb it are: "Hottanuff furya?", "Coldanuff furya?", and "Wetanuff furya?" These may be abbreviated to "Hot, eh?", "Cold, eh?", and "Wet, eh?". It would be meaningless and also unidiomatic to ask anyone: "Nice anuff furya?" No such expression exists in Canajun.

Eh?
Rhymes with hay. The great Canajun monosyllable and shibboleth, "eh?", is all things to all Canajuns. Some typical uses of "eh":

1. Statement of opinion -- "Nice day, eh?"

2. Statements of fact -- "It goes over here, eh?"

3. Commands -- "Open the window, eh?"

4. Exclamations -- "That's funny, eh?"

5. Questions -- "What are they trying to do, eh?"

6. To mean ‘pardon’ -- "Eh? What did you say?"

7. In fixed expressions -- "Thanks, eh?"

8. Insults -- "You’re a real snob, eh?"

9. Accusations -- "You took the last piece, eh?"

10. Telling a story -- "This guy is up on the 27th floor, eh? then he gets out on the ledge, eh . . . ?"

Welcome to Canada, eh?