Thank you, everyone, for all your wonderful, thoughful comments on my post about Robert. The work-related situation has indeed been stressful, and I have been a bit I once had a friend who could see only the good in people. A person could be the worst good-for-nothing reprobate, and my friend would say something like, "Gosh, did you ever notice how 'So-and-So' is very kind to small animals?" My friend was able to bring out the best in everyone he met, just by looking for the positive attributes in them. It's a gift. And in the alternative, when we are constantly on the receiving end of negativity, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We turn inward, and start to see ourselves in a negative light, and we cannot do anything right. I'm sure we have all felt that way at some time or another. There should be a special place in the ninth circle of hell for individuals who make other people feel that way. No one has that right, no matter who they are.
So, I could use some laughter today. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to tell me a joke. I know you know some -- in fact, I'll bet you know some great ones. Laugher is the best medicine, so let's have a chuckle.
26 comments:
Man walks into a bar: "Ouch!"
A priest, a rabbi, & an atheist . . . LOL
I'm not so good with jokes. This was sent to me via email recently & i enjoyed it. :)
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window during your stay?"
Hmm. Try this:
A Sadist is someone who goes around hurting people.
A masochist is the one who says "Thanks".
Or this;
An optimist is one who thinks that this is the best possible world in the entire universe to live in.
A pessimist fears that the optimist could be right!
You inspired me to post a joke on my blog. Come and see.
Two flies are eating s***. One of them farts and the other says: 'Do you mind!?!?'. :D
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Hope that made you smile.
Sunny :)
My favourite:
Said the poettaster to her date:
Do you like Kipling?
He: I dunno. I've never kippled.
I'd love to make you laugh, but I can't. I am 57 and head over heels, gaga stupid in love. (Yeah, ONE of these days I'll write it in my blog.)
I got out of bed this morning and walked smack into my closet door instead of the regular door. I poured my mug of coffee and put it in the refrigerator, then wandered around looking for it for fifteen minutes. The worst was I went into the bank today to do some business, thinking I could get my brain back, and the teller asked me to another part of the place. "Would you like to use the ladies' room a moment? Your blouse is on inside out."
So. When I find my brain again, I'll try to tell you something funny....
Well Jeannette, I thought that comment was probably the funniest so far!
Love is a many splendoured thing, doncha know!
Ok... A little boy says to his mother "Mama I am so smart, where did I get my intelligence from?" The mother replies, "Obviously from your Father, I still have mine".
Did you hear about the group of visitors touring a meat packing plant, who accidentally locked themselves into a big walk-in freezer unit and weren't found until several hours later ?
The headline in the local newspaper the next morning said:
Tour group accident; many are cold but few are frozen
Looking at the balcony he saw a snail and because he don't like them fliped it away.
Three days later the door bell rang, the snail, asking: What was this, just a moment ago?
A priest, rabbi and minister were in a fishing boat. They had been drinking beer and after a while the priest stepped out of the boat, walked across the water and into the woods. In a few minutes he returned.
The rabbi and minister were amazed!
Feeling like he did not want to be outdone, the rabbi stepped out of the boat, walked across the water and went into woods, too. The minister was shocked.
After the rabbi returned the minister felt like he had no choice. So he, too, stepped out of the boat and down he went! He was thrashing about in the water when the other two yelled "use the rocks!"
Here's one my aunt sent me (although I hope you've already had a good day!):
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book?' she replies.
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,'
says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
Think.
Johanna.... I have a request!
Please tell your readers the joke about the nun and the duck! And also tell them about how that joke came about. I think you responded to a challenge from Cedar to come up with a punch line!
Okay! Tell them the nun /duck / bar joke!!!
This is from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and relates actual cross-examinations, word for word:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Oh, Jo, I am tired and discouraged today and I am so glad I sat down to read your post. Thanks to you and all your faithful readers I am laughing! Sorry I don't have a joke for you, but am happy to share the love you seem to have inspired!
I don't know any knee slappers, but here's one I do know:
A little boy was eating a piece of buttered toast that his mother had given him. He said, "mmm, this is so good! Can I have the recipe?"
One of my personal old-time favorites:
A woman, feeling a bit lonely, sees an advertised special for a talking parrot. The price is almost shockingly low, and she goes to the pet store to investigate. Sure enough, the parrot has an extensive vocabulary. Thinking he will be great company, she buys the parrot on the spot.
But when she gets him home the parrot begins to use the most profane of language.
"Stop that, you horrid bird!" The woman says, shaking her finger at him.
The parrot continues to swear a blue streak.
"I'll have none of that in my home!" The dismayed woman cautions him, and covers his cage.
He continues to swear. Really, sailors would blush, priests might have their very lives endangered. The poor woman can't take it any longer. She grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer.
"That should cool you off!" She says. After five minutes she opens the freezer, and extracts her shivering parrot.
"M'lady," begins the parrot, "I' must apologize for my unforgivable conduct. A clumsy lout, and uncouth bird I have been, but I am a changed parrot, I assure you. Never again shall I sully your ears with such profanities. I beg your forgiveness."
The woman eyes him warily, and then accepts his apology.
"Now, my good lady, if it would be too much trouble, if I might be so bold as to inquire...what did the chicken do?"
Alane: perhaps the chicken had tried to cross the road?
No? Oh well, never mind.
Hope you're feeling better today Jo! Here's my contribution:
Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it.
Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."
A train compartment had 4 people in it: two ladies, and two men, one man was American, and the other was a Canadian. At point point the train suddenly entered a tunnel. In the darkness there was a loud 'SLAP!'
When the train emerged everyone noted that the American had a big red hand mark on his face.
The first lady thought, 'that damn American must have touched that lady, and she gave him what he deserved!'
The second lady thought, 'that damn American must have touched that lady, and she gave him what he deserved!'
The American thought, 'that damn Canadian must have touched one of the ladies, and she gave him what he deserved!'
The Canadian thought, 'I hope we go under another bridge so I can slap the American again!'
This joke tells better in Spanish, but always makes me laugh anyway... A huge elephant is tramping through the jungle. He is massive, strong, a giant. Along the way, he carelessly stomps into an ant farm. The ants go wild and swarm the elephant until they practically cover every inch of his body. He is black all over. Suddenly, the elephant shakes his whole body, violently throwing off all but one ant, who's clinging to the elephant's neck with all his might. The ants, not to be deterred, shout up to him "Choke him Jorge! He's all yours!"
That was quite an inspiring write.. And i really had a good laugh reading al the jokes :)
Two men and one woman are being cleared to work with the CIA; each are told that they must (as their final test), go into this particular room - pick up the gun on the table, and kill their spouse in order to prove they will have the courage to act on ANY order the CIA might require.
The first man goes in; sees his wife bound and blind-folded; he picks up the gun, but fails to complete the task. He comes back out and says he could never kill anyone; least of all his wife.
The second man goes in; his wife is also bound and blind-folded; picks up the gun, quivers and breaks into tears - unbinds his wife, and returns with her to the CIA agents to tell them this is beyond his comprehension and ability.
The woman goes into the room; sees her husband blindfolded; tied, and after a few seconds the CIA agents hear 6 shots; then repeated pounding coming from the room.
The woman appears and says: "Damn, I shot six times but the gun was filled with blanks, so I had to beat him to death with my gun!"
Remember now, this was told to me by four CIA AGENTS when both my husband and I were working with the FBI - I have no idea if one of them made it up, or if it's just 'standard fare' for this type of joking within their organization.
Nevertheless, while I thought it terribly outrageous, I was amazed how everyone else laughed.
So, I don't have any of the cute and innocent ones that I've read here to share with you right now, but let's hope this one helps you with that depression you've felt about your co-worker; this joke seems to be an example of just how 'morbid and cruel' jokes can be, and in light of the problems your co-worker had, it points out just how indifferent people can be as they carry out their 'duties'.
Given the lack of compassion his employer had, I'd say it's a good thing that he found it before he invested any more of his time with these people; it's a clue to not expect much understanding from so many people nowadays - things truly have deteriorated in so much of our 'industrial society'.
I got quite a kick out of the reader who had her blouse on inside-out. It reminds me of the time my 3-year old sister came out of my mother's bedroom with what she called 'shoulder pads' stuffed in her pajamas. When mom checked further, they were two of those 'unmentionables' that women wore back in the days before tampons. What made it even more hysterical was, mom and dad had the reverend and his wife in the living room; I must say all of our faces were beet-red!
Omigoodness, thank you everyone for your wonderful jokes. You have made me laugh right out loud. Every one of your jokes was an original that I had not heard before. Wonderful...!
Russell wants me to tell you my duck joke. Um ... okay. Our friend Cedar had a contest on her blog asking people to make up with a joke about a priest, two nuns and a duck. So, it seems I won the contest with the following joke:
Two nuns, Sister Mary Katherine and Sister Mary Margaret, walked into a bar, and Sister Mary Katherine had a duck under her arm. They spotted Father O'Reilly at the bar, having a drink of Irish whiskey. Sister Mary Margaret walked up to Father O'Reilly and said,
"How are you today, Father?"
"Well, I'm not so good" he replied.
"Would you like a duck?" Sister Mary Margaret asked.
"Oh, yes, please, that would cheer me up immensely", Father O'Reilly said.
Sister Mary Margaret went back to where Sister Mary Katherine was sitting, took the duck and presented it to Father O'Reilly.
"What this?" he said, "I thought you asked if I would like a ...."
And now God is going to strike me with lightning. :-)
A few weeks ago a lady golfer, who is also a physiotherapist, and her friend went for a game of golf. After a very good tee off shot, she was horrified to see her ball hitting a man a little distance away. Clutching his hands together he brought them to his crotch and fell to the ground, curling with pain.
The lady ran up to him and apologised profusely. He said it was okay and he will be better soon. She told him that she was a physiotherapist and could help him and again he said that he would be okay. However, when she insisted on helping him he gave in and allowed her to roll him onto his back. She opened his fly, inserted her hand and began genly massaging the area where the pain seemed to be.
After a few minutes she stopped and asked him how he felt. He replied:
"It feels wonderful, but I still think by thumb is broken".
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