Monday, January 26, 2009

Triple XXX Rated English Village

These are genuine clips from complaint letters to the council of an English village. Isn't it wonderful how others put their thoughts into words?

1. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. My bush is really overgrown round the front, and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

44 comments:

Teri said...

Titter, Titter...English as a second language

Teri and the cats of Furrydance

preacherboy_reborn said...

Oh my those are absolutely terrible and fantastically hilarious. :) Thanks for sharing...that was a riot to read...I'm sure my roommate thinks I've lost my marbles by now!

Lorna said...

hahahahahahahahawhwhawhahahahahawhahahahawhawhawhawhawhahahahahahahahahahawhawhawhawhawhawhawhahawhwhawhahahahahawhahahahawhawhawhawhawhahahahahahahahahahawhawhawhawhawhawhawhahawhwhawhahahahahawhahahahawhawhawhawhawhahahahahahahahahahawhawhawhawhawhawhawhahawhwhawhahahahahawhahahahawhawhawhawhawhahahahahahahahahahawhawhawhawhawhawhawhahawhwhawhahahahahawhahahahawhawhawhawhawhahahahahahahahahahawhawhawhawhawhawhawhahawhwhawhahahahahawhahahahawhawhawhawhawhahahahahahahahahahawhawhawhaw!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poutalicious said...

My brains a bit fuzzy today; are these called double entendres, or sexual innuendos. I don't remember. The old gray mare she ain't what she used to be. Thanks for the laugh.

PreciseDisarray said...

I'm sure many of these make good clean sense in its original context, but our creative minds jump to the risque! How funny this was to read. Thanks for sharing. :)

Budh.aaah said...

Oh God, this is hilarious. I just cant stop laughing.
Thanks a ton

Lover of Life said...

LOL!!! Can I pass these on? I know a few people who could use a laugh right now.

Firefly said...

That is brilliant. Ha, ha, ha, ha... Made my day. It will probably play in my mind all day. LOL.

introspection said...

That was hilaroius Jo. Specially after all those serious and informative posts; this one comes as a real break. thanks for the laugh...!!!
I am tempted to share this one about Memory Problems :
"An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching tv, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "where are you going?" He replied, "to the kitchen." She asked, "will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "sure." She then asked him, "don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "no, i can remember that."

She then said, "well i would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because i know you'll forget that." He said, "i can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. " She replied, "well i also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "i told you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"


Yes, Jo I do have a blog but nothing like the ones you write. I am a novice at blogs, and love following your blogs. I follow many others too.

www.aashyana.blogspot.com

BTW, "aashyana" is an Urdu language word which means 'Shelter'

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Golly.

Hey, you're back on the air after early morning glitch.

the walking man said...

Actually I wish I could write like that intentionally! ha ha ha ha

Angel Helen said...

Oh heck, do you think we are all like that?! Actually I think they sound like complaint letters about council houses and no way do they look like the beautiful photo that Jo has posted. Having said that, we are lucky enough to live in such a place and thankfully there is no fungus growing in my back passage! Fnarr Fnarr!

Hilary said...

I'd love to see numbers 19 through 23, but I can't get past the large, unsightly and dangerous erection in #18.

Too funny.

willow said...

Thanks for my morning giggles!

Mary Ellen said...

LOL! Thanks for the laughs this morning. I can't even say which is my favorite, they're all hilarious.

:-D

ea said...

You're blog has returned from the land of the missing! These are hilarious, Josie! ~Liz

uought2b.a.dog said...

That is hilarious!!!!

Charles Gramlich said...

I don't see anything wrong with any of these. Sounds like a fun village to be a government worker in .

larkspur said...

:#):*):):&):^):):%):!!!! Thx, Jo.

Sally's World said...

That is so funny, I laughed until I cried, hilarious!!!

Country Girl said...

Hilarious, Jo! That house with the 150% of wall space must be a hum dinger.

Donnetta Lee said...

Josie this was a hoot! I really enjoyed reading through these this morning. If there is a way to butcher it, we'll chop it up (English, that is)! Did I ever tell you about the time the school gave me a "pager?" My tongue slipped and I told the Technology Director (in the principal/director's meeting with the superintendent) that I had never used a vibrator before and he may have to teach me how! D

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

I hope the authorities replied in a similar vein.

Deb said...

Funny post, Jo!

Arley said...

Lol! Wow Jo, you are full of suprises! That was very entertaining this morning!

soapwish said...

Thank you for the laughs! It's hard to pick a favorite though I am partial to #18 and #20. Thanks again for happy thoughts for the rest of the day!

A human kind of human said...

English is not my home language and I am afraid I make similar blunders sometimes, however, these were hilarious. My boss whose English is much worse than mine once had to speech in English. He wanted to advise the audience to act in an adult manner but what he said was: "Please people, act adulturously". I might add that only two of us present out of about 20, really heard what he said. I love your blog and I read it religiously. Please carry on doing what you are doing and I'm not so sure that you are not a writer, and a natural one at that.

Carl said...

See... Who says the brits don't have a sense of humor.

Actually They get away with some Bawdy stuf on tv over there that is supposedly too racey for the US. That's our motto in the US. It's ok to be digusting... you just can't be suggestive.

CS

Annie in Austin said...

Maybe this only works for people from the USA, Josie, but these village sayings seem even more funny and charming when I read them with an internal British accent.

Since it's a pretty bad imitation of a British accent, good thing no one else can hear it.

Annie at the Transplantable Rose

Dr.John said...

I never knew about the connection between the BBc and toilet seats.

Pauline said...

ahahahahahahahaha

TheChicGeek said...

Hysterical...lol....Truth, stranger than fiction :)

PinkPanthress said...

Awesome, I couldn't stop crying from laughing! The muscles in my cheeks hurt! :D

TC said...

Funnier than Monty Python. The tile is cracked in the roof of the toilet from the big wind last night and the huge erection in the backyard are the ones I can picture in my head and remember, unfortunately. hahahahahah

Starlene said...

Between you and julochka, I'll never stop laughing!

Russell said...

Looks like I am checking in at about 36 or so...! Heh! I say this early this morning and was laughing too hard to leave a comment!

I have seen similar things for insurance claims - such as the guy who fills out a form and writes "I had to swerve several times before I hit the tree" or something like that!

But these are much better! I started laughing hard at #2 when the person wrote "He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house...!" Most, uh, interesting!

leilani said...

lolol!!!

Jo said...

Hilarious! More bawdy humor from across the pond:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/23/world/europe/23crapstone.html?em

CraftyMummy said...

So funny! Thanks for posting them.

Anonymous said...

I'm a Yank married to a Brit and this is hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

Jan said...

This is so funny I have to share it with readers on my blog. I think my blog fence is sturdy enough to withstand an 18-year-old banging his balls on it. :)

Rob (Inukshuk Adventure) said...

Oh my those are some of the funniest lines ever and I've read them a few times before, but they never cease to crack me up.

varun said...

hilarious one, it would be great if you could post at share thoughts this way more people can read it

heartinsanfrancisco said...

How Chaucerian! You've got to love Middle English, even when it's accidental.