Saturday, January 24, 2009

What Is Love?

The Lovers
Pablo Picasso

This is a subject that has puzzled me my entire life. When we are childen, we imagine what life will be like when we grow up. I remember when I was about four years old, I loved my father, and I asked him if he would marry me when I grew up. He laughed and said, "No, you will marry someone else. Besides, I am already married to your Mommy." That puzzled me for a long time, and I thought it was very bizarre that my Mommy and my Daddy were married to each other. How weird was that! Of course, at that age I had absolutely no concept of married love.

As I became a teenager, I developed crushes on boys in school -- puppy love. It would change from week to week, hour to hour in some cases. Of course, these crushes were always based on whether or not the boy was cute. Usually they had been gifted genetically, but they had absolutely nothing else going for them -- you know, sort of like George Clooney. Fellows like that are so wrapped up in themselves, they don't have time for anyone else.

I have always felt sorry for people who ended up marrying someone they did not love. Either their biological clock was ticking, or they thought they were not worthy of finding true love. I had friends who ended up in marriages like that. To me, that would be like a kind of slow death. I do envy people, however, who married the true love of their life. That must feel like finding the other half of your soul. People like that must love each other unconditionally, and no matter who you are, or what your ideas, opinions, likes, dislikes, thoughts, feelings, you love each other anyway, not "in spite of" but "because of"... I went through my whole life never feeling that. I have a strong personality, and anyone I have ever known has always been critical of that aspect. "You can't say that!" "You can't think that!" "Good grief, you can't do that!"

I think everyone should be fortunate enough to find that special someone who is exactly like them, who accepts them for themselves -- flaws and all. How many of you have found that?


Lindsey said...

I hope that someday I find true love like that. I haven't found it yet, but what do I know, I'm only 17! hehehe :]

Leah Fry said...

I am blessed to be married to the love of my life. However, please allow me to offer a gentle correction to a misconception: the love of your life does not have to be exactly like you. My husband and I are polar opposites in many ways. I think in our case, we bring balance to each other. The trick is to love and appreciate that person for who and what they are, and not fall into the trap of thinking that you have to agree on everything or win them over. Do we fuss at each other? Occasionally. When you love someone THAT MUCH, and there is no doubt in your mind AT ALL, EVER that person feels the exact same way you do, overlooking faults and practicing forgiveness happen as naturally as breathing.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

I found mine....but circumstances....he's married to another and we left it at that.

Life eh?

Teri and her Stylish Cats ~ Coco the Couture Cat, FurryDance Brighton, and Disco NoFurNo said...

I finally found it in Mike. I remember him saying "I know you have a long laundry list of things that bug, frustrate, annoy you about me" but when I asked him about his list for me, he'd say "Not worth mentioning".
He was truly part priest, part lawyer and part philosopher (all parts of his past) and he truly accepted me as I was. I am not sure I will find that ever again, but at least I had it once.

Teri and the cats of Furrydance

Ps: look at Mike's memorial blog to see what me and others felt in his presence.


simply_me! said...

It is not true that people who end up marrying someone they did not love are not worthy of true love. My grandparents at the time of marriage did not know each other at all. So 'love' was out of question.They are now together for the past 54 years!! and are still going strong!! Had it not been true love...they would not have been together for such a looong time! :)

Jo said...

Lindsey, *heh* at 17, you have lots of time. And, I have a feeling you will find true love.

Leah, you are very fortunate. I think it helps if the love of your life is enough like you that he understands you. You don't necessarily have to agree, but I think you should be sympatico. You're so right about the forgiveness. That is important.

The CDO, oh, gosh! That must be heartbreaking for you.

Teri, I read the link you sent me about Mike's memorial. That must have been so hard to deal with. I'm so sorry for your loss!

Simply Me, I have know people who have -- for want of a better word -- "settled", just in order to be married. My friend *Dianne* did that, and she has been miserably unhappy. I'm glad it worked out okay for your grandparents. :-)

The Pink Cowboy said...

I can only say that understanding what Love really is has been a constant in my life. In fact I think that is the only matter that's truly important for me above anything else. As I mature my definition of Love does the same. Right now I do not feel compelled to be heroic or idealistic about it like in my younger days. Love transforms everything, even your own perceptions and thoughts. I could also be quite opinionated, but in the end would you rather be right or happy? Jo this is a fantastic post, love your honesty when discussing this topic. The Beatles said it best for the rest of all of us "All You Need Is Love"

Amy said...

Wonderful post! It really got me thinking about my relationship and how lucky I am to have a great man in my life. Love is one of lifes hardest courses I believe and I am forever trying to learn the ins and outs.

SaraghA said...

I married someone I didn't love, and realized soon enough that it was a mistake (phew!). Now I'm married to who is undeniably the love of my life. I've got a post about it all, if you're interested:

Love is tricky, but when you're in it, you know it. When you're not your gut will tell you so. What it comes down to is weighing out what you need to make you happy.

Kurczak said...

"Listen to me... If you love someone. If you can hold someone and look into their eyes, I swear to God that you'd better do it. While you can."
Don't have any regrets.

Manda said...

I've had boyfriends and one very long term which didn't work out. However I thought I'd found true love with my most recent boyfriend but he broke it off because he didn't feel the same level of emotion, said he 'couldn't get there' with me and didn't know why. I am utterly heartbroken and obviously hope maybe one day he'll feel differently, I don't think he's ever been in love or knows what it is.

I don't feel I'll ever find anyone who makes me feel the way he does, i'm one part of a half that feels it will never be whole.

Cyth said...

Hmmmm. Love. Such a topic and so close to Valentines Day( my favorite holiday). So many ways to love a person. So much desire, so much need, so much giving, so much fulfillment. It seems to me that as we walk our path we encounter love in so many permutations. And I think our path does not end with this one life. Our path winds through many lives, all meant to experience ,learn and try to understand love, to bring us back to THE ultimate source of Love. And yes, some of us find our soulmmate, the one who makes us feel whole, but maybe it's just not this time around. I would not dismiss the other relationships , however, for they still help us to be the best we can be and bring us closer to the ONE Love that we are all seeking. The flip side, to be miserable in a relationship that we'd hoped have shown us love is sad. Being now on the other side of that scenario I hope I am able to say that that too has taught me about love AND myself. I think I jabber too much. But thanks for the opportunity.

Laura Doyle said...

I thought I was in love once. Then a couple more times. Then I found someone I was just stupid for. Literally. We broke each others' hearts in the end, not out of infidelity or maliciousness...we just simply weren't right for each other and for us to both realize that, oh, it just tore us both apart. The pain of that lasted a few years but spurred me to refine who I really was and what was truly important to me.

As soon as I decided I was ready to finally let go of the old useless stuff inside and become a happier woman, I met Brendan. He proposed to me only two months after we met. I said yes of course. I was scared but he said "I know everything will work out. I know we'll be okay." And I trusted him blindly. I still don't know how I did that. I never had before.

Sometimes I still stagger with astonishment that I somehow managed to place myself in the right place, at the right time, and found my love. I always thought it was a more difficult process to find your soulmate. I thought you had to work at it or that it would be hard at first and then get easier. With Brendan, all my insecurities and hang-ups just fell away as if they'd never been there. All my fear just vanished with time and I can see what it means to truly love someone. It's not anything like I had assumed it was. It's better.

Patsy said...

JO, I found someone like that. He died in 2000 and there has never been anyone who could make me feel the way he made me feel. I miss him every day.


Christina! said...

Along the same lines, it's often debated whether love at first sight exists. In my mind, of course it does. I knew I wanted to marry Nick the moment I met him- people think I'm nuts for saying that.

Hilary said...

I don't think two-sided, unconditional love exists for a lot of people. Divorce rates wouldn't be so high if it did. Sometimes the settling turns into more than you've bargained for.

Charles Gramlich said...

Lana and I are not exactly alike but we have many similarities, far more than I had with my first wife. We are different in tastes in music and TV, though not completely different. We both like STar Trek for example. But we both also really appreciate the creativity and imagination of the other.

SweetPeaSurry said...

I'm not worthy, I couldn't find true love if it were a pimple on my arse annoying me for the rest of my life.

I'm in a bad mood!

Scoobyloves2004 said...

I love this topic! It gives me a chance to reflect on how far I've come in love and life.

When I was 22, I met a man at work who had a thing for me. He was clearly not my type. Tall, heavy-set, and had a dry sense of humor. He was nice, and seemed to love kids. (I had a 1 year old daughter at the time.) He kept asking me out, numerous times in fact. Finally I caved and let him take Jazzy and I to the zoo. I actually had a good time and started dating him. Thanksgiving of that year, I went to MN with him to meet his family. We went to see the Harry Potter exhibit at Datens' (I'm not sure that's how it's spelled) Dept. Store in Minn. At the food court, while I was drinking a soda and eating fries, he asked me to marry him and pulled out a 1.5 carrot diamond ring. I about choked on the soda, when I saw the ring. His whole family was there, waiting for my answer...what was I suppose to say? So, to save him the embarrassment of saying no, I said yes. We got married on Valentines Day. I was miserable, but I stuck it out for a year.

I met my current husband in March of 02. The attraction was instint, though I tried to resist it. I was still technically married in the sense that my devorce wasn't final. He was so handsome and mysterious, but he was moving back to Boston in a month. I wouldn't say we were polar opposites, but enough to complement each other. We did the long distance relationship thing for 8 months before he flew back to AZ to bring me back to Boston. We made it through 8 months of not seeing each other, and therefore learned to express our feelings the only why we could, with words. We have been through hell and back together, with 5 children as well. Though I would change a few things, my love for him will never me one of them! So yes, I do believe I have found my sole mate!

Susan English Mason said...

I found that! But it was after two divorces. It took me so long for me to be happy within myself and to give up looking and trying to push a square hole into a round peg so to speak. It wasn't lust at first sight this time. It was like a pot of wonderful smelling herbs and veggies simmering all day becoming the most wonderful vegetable soup. He jokes and says I must be crazy to love him and I joke back and tell him it's because he's such a girl. teehee

Deedee said...

I've been married 29 years to my best friend. We are not exactly like each other, au contraire! But we went into marriage for the long haul. Bailing out just has never been an option and we have had our share of hard times, believe me. There is nothng better, in my opinion than knowing that someone will always accept you, be there for you when you need them and forgive you when you mess up. For me that's what it's all about. Fireworks and skyrockets fade somewhat, but knowing that you are not alone and you have somebody to walk life's road with you is as good as it gets.

Canarybird said...

I'm one of the lucky ones who found and married my great love! :-)

Jo said...

Pink Cowboy, "Love transforms everything, even your own perceptions and thoughts." That is so true, isn't it? It makes us like ourselves.

Miss Amy, you're so right, it doesn't seem to come naturally, does it? It's a learning process.

SarahAB, "Love is tricky, but when you're in it, you know it. When you're not your gut will tell you so." Yes! We really need to listen to our gut. It's like an instinct.

Griever, yes, we only have one "kick at the cat" so it would be awful to live a life of regrets.

Manda, I have a feeling you will find the true love of your life. I think it's important that it has to be shared by both people. At least he was honest with you, and with himself too, as difficult as that is for you.

Cyth, you don't jabber too much. *heh* And yes, sometimes we meet someone we feel as if we have known in another life, don't we, they feel so familiar to us. Maybe "love at first sight" is really continued love.

Starlene, I think you are living proof that finding your soulmate is as easy as just "falling into it", quite literally. It just happens, and when it does it is so right!

Lorna, oh, gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss. I checked out the website, and I am going to go back and have a look at some more. Thank you! Beautiful photos.

MadredeEzekiel, of course love at first sight exists. In fact, I sometimes wonder if there is ever any other kind. Sometimes you just know... :-)

Hilary, yes, it can be elusive sometimes, can't it? And unfortunately sometimes people fall out of love too, and that is difficult.

Charles, I get the feeling that you and Lana have a wonderful friendship, and I always feel that should be a main basis for love. Definitely!

SweetPeaSurry, LOL. I have a feeling you are very lovable. I can just tell. :-) I think you must have a great sense of humor.

Arley, what a lovely story! It sounds as if the second man was sent to you by the angels. (Yes, I do believe in them...) And I'm really glad you are happy, and you and your daughter have a family. That story makes me feel good!

Poutalicious, "It was like a pot of wonderful smelling herbs and veggies simmering all day becoming the most wonderful vegetable soup." Omigosh, what a fabulous analogy! Yes, that is what it should feel like.

DeeDee, I can't think of anything more wonderful than being married to your best friend. Of course! That is a true soul mate.

Canarybird, you are indeed lucky. I have a feeling he is lucky too. :-) And you live in one of the most beautiful places in the world!

Anonymous said...

I am a single mum who gave up on ever finding my soul mate. I thought it would never happen, I thought that now be focused on my son. When I stopped worrying about finding my soul mate, I met him. He is my best friend, and I know without a doubt that he is the only man I could ever marry. I can tell him anything and everything and we often stay on the phone for hours every day, sometime not even talking. There is no need for words sometimes. I am blessed to have found him.

nomore said...

"What is Love?" Once a certain answered it as " Love is Blue "
But I would renamed it..."Love is a pleasure"
Gave an irrelevant answer to the

Rising Rainbow said...

I think everyone's idea of love is different. Some have unrealistic expectations, so they never find it. Others don't have expectations high enough so they never find it either.

I think the trick is being able to understand that love isn't perfect. It's gonna have its ups and downs. We, humans, are flawed and our relationships are going to be affected by that.

I think real love happens between those that can find their way through the conflicts that arise because of those flaws and still come out the other side caring for the other person and their welfare.

It's when people get lost in themselves and what they want and need without being able to see what their partner might want or need that things don't work so well.

For me, it's been 32 years of marriage and we're still getting through our rough spots and working towards a common dream.

introspection said...

I have never experienced true love. So I dont know what it feels like to be in love/to be loved. But I know it exists and I really envy those that have got it. I have been married for 29 years. Initially I thought that we had it going, but somewhere very early in life I discovered it was a myth. In the country where I come from we do not normally get in/out of marriages so easily. But I have the most wonderful 2 children in the world. I adore them to no end.
They are the soul of my existence though I do not live with them. Other than that my married life is pathetic. Jo! you truly said, "It's like living a slow death...." The married life that I lead is pathetic. Though we are both well educated good human beings; we are just not compatible ...!
But life goes on - even with all it's insecurities, lapses, and errors.

lovelyprism said...

Wow, I am amazed by some of these answers. The day I met my husband, I went home and told my Mother "Today I met the man I'm going to marry." I was 15 years old, so of course she laughed at me. We have now been married 21 years. Some days (that probably add up to some years!) it's not so easy. People grow and change and maybe sometimes after they change they are not so compatible.( My husband's nickname is now "Asshole" said in the most loving way possible lol) I have often wondered if marriage comes with an expiration date, like milk. LOL But when I seriously think about it, I cannot imagine a life without him. Not alone and not with someone else. So even on the 'not so easy' days I am grateful for the life I have lived and the life I have today. We did all of this together so I am grateful not to him alone,but rather to US. :)

the walking man said...

To me?

Love is more a star that has been there before I was born and will last long after I am gone than a plant that was grown in my lifetime for my lifetime.

Both are very good and free for living through; if one but opens up to the frailty of nature and humanity.

KathyB. said...

Very thought provoking, and very personal post.I am married to my high school sweetheart. I had a crush on him from afar, then...we dated and married. 37 years , 3 children and 8 grandchildren, tragedy, comedy , near poverty, I cannot imagine a life with anyone else. He is faithful, loving, kind, forgiving. But neither am I, and he loves me anyway.

I am reminded of the scene in "Fiddler On The Roof", where Tevya and his wife are asking each other if they love each other and the ensuing song..."but do you love me?..."

For me it all comes down to what your definition of 'love' is. Is love defined by how well YOU are feeling about the relationship,what you alone gain, or by a mutual self-sacrificing relationship that looks to the well being of your partner as well as yourself?

BeNC said...

I once thought that I have found my true love, but when time is passed for about a year, things started to change. Although I loved her unconditionally, but the Goddess of Love was not on our side...

I really thought that I would marry her one day and live happily ever after.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

My wife and I are "soul mates" on the things that matter but are also tolerant of each others quirks and annoyances, preferring to highlight how our differences complement rather than just dwelling on our differences. It's great but it is also hard work. It doesn't just happen. Forgiveness is the band aid that holds it all together.

Russell said...

Remember Ryan O'Neil and Ali MacGraw in Eric Segal's Love Story? I think I saw that book everywhere (!!) and the movie was, well, pretty popular (!). The popular line was "Love means never having to say your're sorry."

True... love means being able to be completely yourself and never having to think or wonder if what you are doing is okay - to be able to just be yourself... completely ... and not feeling like you have to be a certain way or not say this or not say that but can just be yourself (and can use run on sentences!)...

Love means ... being able to be yourself.

introspection said...

Exactly. That's what I believe Love is. And I have never felt as myself in 29 years.

Mary Ellen said...

I've always thought that girls are always looking for someone like their daddy, not the way he looks, but someone who has similar morals,character, or sense of humor.

As far as whether I've found that soul-mate kind of love...I've been married for almost 36 years and I'm still trying to figure that out. Give me another 30 years and maybe I'll know by then. ;-)

(btw- I rented the movie, The Visitor last night, it was really good. Thanks for the heads up on that.)

Adventure girl said...

I def have NOT found that. But one thing you didn't speak to was those that think they found it, are hopelessly in love but the one they marry turns out an awful person. That has happened to me.

I haven't been blogging much lately. Not a lack of love for you Jo Jo. My, have exploded since I was here last~ Over 500 followers. Your a rock star blogger. I have to laugh at all the posts you have done about quiting blogging;) Happy Sunday!

Kristy Michelle said...

Great blog, Jo. Thanks for pouring it out there.

Jo said...

CraftyMummy, oh, gosh! What a wonderful story. And yes, the best relationships are the ones where there is a comfortable silence.

Nomore, yes, I agree. Love is a pleasure and also a gift. :-)

RisingRainbow, omygoodness, yes! No one is perfect, and we cannot expect perfection in other people any more than we can expect it in ourselves (nor they in us). So true!

Introspection, oh, gosh, your comment made me feel so sad. I wish you and your husband could find other people and be happy! Life is too short!

Lovelyprism, I think your story is the one everyone should be able to have. Life (and love) is not perfect, but to be so sure of your love, it must be a wonderful feeling.

Mark, "Love is more a star that has been there before I was born and will last long after I am gone than a plant that was grown in my lifetime for my lifetime." Oh, yes! Spoken like a true poet!

Kathy, oh yes! It must be wonderful to love and be loved in spite of and even perhaps because of your imperfections. You're so right, none of us is perfect, and no one should expect perfection. I think you have absolute true love!

BeNC, there is a poem by Tennyson: "I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."
I have a feeling you will find love again.

LGS, you are so lucky to have found your soulmate. "Forgiveness is the band aid that holds it all together." Oh, goodness, yes. If we can't forgive each other for being human, then what else is there?

Russell, yes! "love means being able to be completely yourself and never having to think or wonder if what you are doing is okay - to be able to just be yourself... completely ... and not feeling like you have to be a certain way or not say this or not say that but can just be yourself..." It's lovely when someone can see into your soul, and still love you, isn't it?

Mary Ellen, yes, I agree. Our fathers create sort of a "benchmark" don't they? I find myself drawn to someone who is very much like my father, in almost every way! (I'm glad you enjoyed the movie...)

AdventureGirl, Hi! Nice to see you again. And yes, I think we have all experienced an awful relationship with someone who was ... awful. We just have to move on.

Kristy, thank you! And you're welcome! :-)

Unknown said...

I feel I have found the love of my life. I'm only 26, but I married him when I had just turned 20. In the last 6 years, we've learned so much, and continue to learn so much, about each other. I remember a quote about love that said something about a strong love being one that although you and your love may change, it grows with the changes, or something like that. I feel ours in constantly growing, stretching, strengthening.

It's hard work, constant work, but the best work that I do. Appreciation, communication, and compromise. I can be who I am and do some dumb things, and he still loves me. He makes mistakes, I make mistakes. We are very different from each other, and often compliment each other. It's amazing to me that he knows the worst of me and it's not an issue. I feel so blessed to have him in my life. :)

Jo said...

Meleofa, I think you are blessed. You have been fortunate to find the one who is meant for you. I think for most people, that is very rare.

Stupid common man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Panda Princess said...

Love... Can we really find true love? I used to love someone very deeply and I thought I'll end up marrying him and live happily ever after. But a 7 years of relationship was broken by an act of betrayal. And since then, I really wonder am I worth to have true love?

Jo said...

Panda Princess, it sounds more as if the other person is not worthy of true love. I have a feeling you will find someone else!

Jo said...

Panda Princess, I tried to post a comment to you blog, but was not able to do so. I think you have the comments capability turned off.

Edward Yablonsky said...

I believfe as we grow older our definition evolves and ripens as there are lower and higher loves. One post said "would you rather be right or happy? It's not a dichotomy .A love not rightly principled will sooner or later fail and unhappiness will ensue. That is the law of love and of the universe where love resonates as its heartbeat. Most people have not matured into this divine kind of love which is unconditional, unbiased and universal.

divineGirl said...

Very true.... and It is a blessing to find the love of one's life, and get married to the same person...
I totally agree to:
"I think everyone should be fortunate enough to find that special someone who is exactly like them, who accepts them for themselves -- flaws and all. How many of you have found that? "

I'd like in to reply by

Edward Yablonsky said...

Miost of us ,sad to say, will not find not only our complement love, but will not let our love evolve and mature.

Lola's Daughter said...

I'm still waiting, but I enjoyed your thought on the subject, because mine are pretty screwed at this point...

For blue skies. said...

i have never felt that way. I dont know what love is, I dont understand it, an I'm not sure if I even believe in it. I cant say that I know many people who have found true love. But I hear those love songs, and read the stories that people write, and it gives me hope.

Edward Yablonsky said...

Love,none of ever understand love, in its completely evolved meaning. Someday we might and I say might understand with more than our mind.

Anonymous said...


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